the c & b diaspora

Getting people to buy your crappy DVD.

Posted on: December 22, 2008

First, a foreword.

I live in a country where the following things are true:

  • Mamma Mia is the highest grossing film of all time.
  • Public opinion is almost fully controlled by two tabloid newspapers.
  • Il Divo can have an album at #2 on a top 40 chart.
  • Boy-bands are still popular, and not subject to ridicule.
  • Katie Price aka Jordan is a respected member of society. But wait, there’s more: Her son is blind, autistic, and has trouble walking. All things most likely caused by her consumption of alcohol, cocaine and whatever else while pregnant. Britain, where role models are actually models.

So taking all these things into account, I have conducted research into the DVD retail market in Britain.

Through constant exposure to retail packaged DVDs I have observed an alarming trend. More and more ‘critics’ (obvious loose use of term) are writing quotables in their reviews that are near perfect for attaching on the cover of a DVD to entice buyers. I have constructed a formula that can perfectly explain this type of quote structure.

The best X film since Y!

(You may replace best with another similar adjective)

X = Descriptive genre term, eg. horror

and Y = well known and respected film from above genre. eg. The Shining

Lets make some more examples!

The best gangster film since Goodfellas!

The greatest Sci-Fi film since Aliens!

and a special example:

The best British film since Trainspotting!

This particular example I find to be extremely retarded. Not only because it gets used almost every time a British film gets made, but because these critics seem to think that every aspect of this country is golden. What happens if you paint a turd gold? Its still a turd. And for the record, the best British film since Trainspotting is called This Is England and its totally true because its about skinheads and racism. And everyone in the film gets totally outperformed by a fourteen year old in his first acting role.

The next problem I have is with the use of dubious sources for ratings or quotes. I have seen one on the cover of The Forbidden Kingdom calling it the greatest martial arts epic ever made. I haven’t seen this film, but I can guarantee you that this quote is completely wrong. Bruce Lee isn’t in this film. Neither is Chuck Norris. But anyway, this particular quote came from some radio journalist whose radio station I have never even heard of. What a complete joke. Can you, in New Zealand imagine the cover of The Dark Knight with a quote on it that reads:

“An epic of absolute seriousness” Winston Watusi, The Weekend Sun

(Actual quote by the way.)

No. What the hell is wrong with this country?

Another example, my Iron Man cardboard standup. Covering the centre of the cutout from the knees down, are four star ratings from the following publications: The Sun, The Mirror, The Times, Heat, and the Mail on Sunday. Three of those newspapers feature topless women on page three, Heat rated Mamma Mia five stars, and The Times sounds like a ripoff of the Bay of Plenty Times. I’ve just learned that they named a song by Dido their number two song of the year. Goodbye credibility. Don’t get me wrong, Iron Man is totally awesome, it just appears that by using such broad, worthless ratings the marketing team is aiming for the biggest possible sales by covering all their bases: Mindless civilians who will believe anything a newspaper will tell them, women who are slaves to gossip magazines, and people who aren’t intelligent enough to read the Guardian. (In the real world where money is everything, I suppose this is a good strategy.)

Oh and The Sun was responsible for those absurd Dark Knight sequel rumours last week. Eddie Murphy as the Riddler? HAHAHAHA. Somebody needs to put down the crack pipe.

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1 Response to "Getting people to buy your crappy DVD."

Just writing to let you know that someone did actually read this 🙂

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