the c & b diaspora

Star Wars and the female humanoid.

Posted on: November 11, 2008

694px-star_wars_logosvgI discovered something horrifying a little while back. My darling girlfriend/life partner/symbiote, as nice as she is, had not seen any of the six Star Wars films, ever. Had I been eating at the time of this revelation, I would most likely have choked on my food and died.

So I undertook a most holy and righteous crusade: To get copies of all six films, and ‘encourage’ her to watch them. I am certain that everyone reading this will be in complete agreement with my choice. The second decision I was faced with was in which order to show them to her. I’m not sure if I was being selfish, or clever by making the decision to watch them in episodic order (ie. I – VI) and not chronological (IV – VI, I – III). I think mostly to get the shit films out of the way first, and to try to keep things simple for my young apprentice.

Over the course of a couple or three weekends, mostly where I didnt have to work, we worked our way through all six films. Here are some highlights from before, during and after the films:

  • Referring to the film as “retarded”. Guess which one it was! You have one attempt!
  • Sleeping and/or dozing, possibly at important/incredible scenes.
  • Questioning why George Lucas didnt cast someone attractive as Luke Skywalker.
  • Asking when Darth Vader was going to say ‘Luke, I am your father’ repeatedly.
  • Cringing every time Luke and Leia do anything remotely intimate before they discover they are siblings.
  • Unsurprisingly, being annoyed/disgusted at Jar Jar Binks.
  • Enjoying the presence of the Ewoks, recollecting Ewok oriented media from childhood.
  • Expression of overall relief at completion of final episode in the series.

So, as you can see, it wasn’t a terrible success. What is it exactly that women don’t find exciting about Star Wars? Sabers made of light? Epic space battles? Perhaps its the lack of romantic dialog… Or actual emotional dialogue. All you need to do is look at the scenes between Anakin and Padme during Attack of the Clones. Terrible, wooden stuff. I’m not sure how the female brain works, and given that my girlfriend is almost 100% normal, it is safe to assume that the girls who do like Star Wars have something seriously wrong with them.

I’m kidding.

One thing I did not show her however, was the recent Clone Wars film that hit cinemas a little while ago. Because I watched it myself the other day, and its a steaming pile of shit. Genndy Tartakovsky’s animated Clone Wars series from five years ago showed more soul in a single ten-minute episode than this travesty did in its entire ninety minutes.

I’m proud of Briony for having the patience and tolerance to subject herself to twelve hours or more of Star Wars. I have promised her that I will watch six films of her choice. I live in constant fear, but at least I already got Sex and The City out of the way.

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2 Responses to "Star Wars and the female humanoid."

haha nice work…… (not the best comment ever posted probably fits more in the didn’t have much to say but wanted to say something to let the writer know that i read his blog comment / or the i miss that nice beaded friend of mine as he doesn’t play wow anymore)

😉

Brit is exactly the same, except she won’t sit with me through any of them. So instead I got to see 300 in exchange for watching Sex and the City with her.

Not a fair trade 😦

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