the c & b diaspora

Probably 2008’s best film.

thewolfman — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 12:50:45 +0000

If you don’t love this, you are a soulless monster that eats babies.

It’s E.T. for the 21st century.

Pixar’s best? We’ll see.

GOT MY XMAS SORTED LULZ

thewolfman — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:56 +0000

Happy birthday mum and baby Jesus.

hell yes

click to observe in full size detail.

Special Festivus Post: Airing of Grievances AKA Dishonorable Mentions 2008

thewolfman — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:30:23 +0000

I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you’re gonna hear about it.

Special section dedicated to Guns n Roses who receive the following awards:

Worst album cover of the year (Chinese Democracy)
Album that I couldn’t bear to listen to after more than two tracks (Chinese Democracy)
Worst ever fifteen year wait for an album (Chinese Democracy)
Worst hollow shell of a band that only features one of the original members
Most retarded frontman who refuses to believe that he can no longer make music (Axl Rose)
Band that I wouldn’t even piss on to save them from burning to death

Typical Redneck Award 2008 goes to:

McCain and Palin supporters from Ohio.

These people are the embodiment of awesome.

“…I’m scared the blacks will take over.” – Old lady (age 1000)

Watch out guys, the blacks are gonna take over! Look! They are taking all your stuff right now while you read this!

At least the less evil candidate won the election, now we shall see what the future holds.

Greedy Jew Award: David Gilmour, Live In Gdańsk

Pink Floyd’s current dead-horse flogger thought it would be a good idea to release a live album for those who just can’t get enough of his watered down radio friendly incarnation of Pink Floyd. But, being the greedy Jew that he is, he released not one, not two, but four versions of this album. Five if you count the vinyl release. The price ranges from about £9 for the basic version, to £75 for the vinyl release. Here’s the breakdown:

2 disc version containing the concert on CD
3 disc version containing the above plus a DVD featuring 114 minutes of concert footage, plus a 36-minute documentary
4 disc version containing the above plus a 5.1-surround sound mix of On an Island and 11 extra audio-visual tracks taken from various TV appearances
5 disc version containing the above plus an extra CD containing 12 bonus live tracks from the 2006 touras well as a wallet of memorabilia.

Sure, he knows how to play a guitar reasonably well, but does he need to dance on the grave of Syd Barrett and piss all over the memory of Pink Floyd while he does it? Greedy Jew.

I’m really harsh, aren’t I? Oh well. I’ll just go and feel guilty while I listen to Animals. Then Piper at the Gates of Dawn.

Weather in the Northern Hemisphere:

Sucks.

The Price of DVD/Other entertainment media in New Zealand:

What a joke!

Games, $120. YES PLEASE.

National New Zealand Loser Award:

Glyn Maclean

Runner up, his mail order bride/musical slave, Yulia.

Commended: John ‘Smarmy’ Key

Other Disappointments:

All the publications that rated Kings of Leon’s Only by the Night their album of the year. Obviously, they a) didn’t listen to anything else this year, or b) didn’t listen to the album and couldn’t be bothered picking anything else.

MGMT. Seriously? There are about two semi decent tracks on an album that is really boring on the whole.

Lil’ Wayne. I tried. I still don’t get it/him.

Metallica. Hah.

I just started watching Boston Legal, and now it’s finished? What? Still rules.

They continue to make Saw films, and people continue to see them.

Apparently DC Comics killed Batman this year. Meh. I give it 6 months before everything is back to normal.

I’ve just started turning this into a ‘who can I piss off before the year’s end’ list.

Happy festivus, you bunch of Jews.

Getting people to buy your crappy DVD.

thewolfman — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:17:12 +0000

First, a foreword.

I live in a country where the following things are true:

Mamma Mia is the highest grossing film of all time.
Public opinion is almost fully controlled by two tabloid newspapers.
Il Divo can have an album at #2 on a top 40 chart.
Boy-bands are still popular, and not subject to ridicule.
Katie Price aka Jordan is a respected member of society. But wait, there’s more: Her son is blind, autistic, and has trouble walking. All things most likely caused by her consumption of alcohol, cocaine and whatever else while pregnant. Britain, where role models are actually models.

So taking all these things into account, I have conducted research into the DVD retail market in Britain.

Through constant exposure to retail packaged DVDs I have observed an alarming trend. More and more ‘critics’ (obvious loose use of term) are writing quotables in their reviews that are near perfect for attaching on the cover of a DVD to entice buyers. I have constructed a formula that can perfectly explain this type of quote structure.

The best X film since Y!

(You may replace best with another similar adjective)

X = Descriptive genre term, eg. horror

and Y = well known and respected film from above genre. eg. The Shining

Lets make some more examples!

The best gangster film since Goodfellas!

The greatest Sci-Fi film since Aliens!

and a special example:

The best British film since Trainspotting!

This particular example I find to be extremely retarded. Not only because it gets used almost every time a British film gets made, but because these critics seem to think that every aspect of this country is golden. What happens if you paint a turd gold? Its still a turd. And for the record, the best British film since Trainspotting is called This Is England and its totally true because its about skinheads and racism. And everyone in the film gets totally outperformed by a fourteen year old in his first acting role.

The next problem I have is with the use of dubious sources for ratings or quotes. I have seen one on the cover of The Forbidden Kingdom calling it the greatest martial arts epic ever made. I haven’t seen this film, but I can guarantee you that this quote is completely wrong. Bruce Lee isn’t in this film. Neither is Chuck Norris. But anyway, this particular quote came from some radio journalist whose radio station I have never even heard of. What a complete joke. Can you, in New Zealand imagine the cover of The Dark Knight with a quote on it that reads:

“An epic of absolute seriousness” Winston Watusi, The Weekend Sun

(Actual quote by the way.)

No. What the hell is wrong with this country?

Another example, my Iron Man cardboard standup. Covering the centre of the cutout from the knees down, are four star ratings from the following publications: The Sun, The Mirror, The Times, Heat, and the Mail on Sunday. Three of those newspapers feature topless women on page three, Heat rated Mamma Mia five stars, and The Times sounds like a ripoff of the Bay of Plenty Times. I’ve just learned that they named a song by Dido their number two song of the year. Goodbye credibility. Don’t get me wrong, Iron Man is totally awesome, it just appears that by using such broad, worthless ratings the marketing team is aiming for the biggest possible sales by covering all their bases: Mindless civilians who will believe anything a newspaper will tell them, women who are slaves to gossip magazines, and people who aren’t intelligent enough to read the Guardian. (In the real world where money is everything, I suppose this is a good strategy.)

Oh and The Sun was responsible for those absurd Dark Knight sequel rumours last week. Eddie Murphy as the Riddler? HAHAHAHA. Somebody needs to put down the crack pipe.

November 29, 2008: A day of mourning.

thewolfman — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:00:48 +0000

Today I say goodbye to something that has been an important part of my life for nearly two years.

World of Warcraft.

From being conned into starting around January 2007, to leveling a Warrior to 70, hating it, leveling a Shaman to 49 and destroying everyone except Hunters, then leveling it to 70 in an intense three-man race, spending weeks farming gold, farming honor for big axes, and finally, getting a Netherdrake, I wish I could say that I have sampled all that WoW has to offer. Sadly, I can’t.

I’m only taking a temporary hiatus because my laptop can’t run the game well enough anymore.

So until the day when I have more mega-gigs and ramular memory, I bid thee farewell, old friend.

Shardnpurplz will one day ride again.

The Wire.

thewolfman — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:22:29 +0000

You should have heard of this show before now.

In what is some kind of critical snowballing-cum-avalanche effect, the world is now finally starting to take notice of what clever audiences have been aware of for years. Although it has been receiving critical praise from US based journalists since its first season in 2002, it only received considerable attention overseas after it ended its five season run and made its way to DVD.

I do recall seeing this shown on television in New Zealand once, a couple of years ago, in the middle of the night, sometime during the week. Obviously a pretty inconvenient time for any audience to regularly watch without much effort.

Much like 2006’s passing of Dame Te Atairangikaahu, where TV News journalists basically fought and scrambled to have more prominent coverage of her Tangi, and January’s passing of Sir Edmund Hilary in which all media were awash with Hilary-related items, such as the “steady tribute of tributes” that was mentioned during a news broadcast, it is now The Wire’s turn. Even the horrible tabloid newspapers that I deem unworthy to be even used as toilet paper (but why would you use newsprint anyway?) are taking their turns at naming The Wire “The best TV show ever made”. But by far the worst unadulterated praise goes to the publication who went a step further: instead of just writing ‘The best TV show ever made’ they reduced it down to an acronym. So throughout the article were mentions of TBTSEM (or something similar). Retarded. Way to devalue the acclaim you place upon something. Even President-Elect Barack Obama has had his say on The Wire, calling it his favourite TV show. (Las Vegas Sun, January 2008)

But despite all the critical acclaim the show has received, it has been relatively ignored in regard to winning prominent awards. Although it has received many nominations and several awards,from slightly lesser known organisations, to date it has only garnered two Primetime Emmy nominations for writing.

Just as we mourn the loss of the life of a person, so too do we mourn the passing of a television show (to a degree). Something that you have sat down and spent time with for years is now over, characters you knew are now gone, all you have are the DVDs of episodes past. Claims will always be made after a show finishes its run that it was ‘the greatest’ . It happened with The Sopranos in 2007, it happened with The Wire. It will happen again. ER will receive a lot of attention when its final episode airs in the US in February next year, ending a run of fifteen seasons.

Hell, if you had asked me about three weeks ago, I would have said Six Feet Under was one of the best shows ever made. If you ask me around the end of March next year, I will say the Re-imagined Battlestar Galactica is the best show ever made. After Lost completes its sixth and final season in 2010, myself and people like me will say that it was the best show ever made. See what I’m saying? Things change. People change. But the shows are still great, if not brilliant, masterful and epic.

But the question on your mind: is The Wire actually any good? My response: Probably.

The Wire is a very complex show. Sure, its a cop show. But not the kind that you are used to. Its not like CSI/CSI Miami/New York/Bangladesh/Antarctica where there is a ‘crime of the week’ situation, nor is the particular crime solved at the last minute thanks to some character’s epiphany- the entire season is devoted to a single, large scale investigation, with each season focusing its attention on a different aspect of the city of Baltimore: The drug trade, the port, the city bureaucracy, the school system, and the print news media. The Wire was created by David Simon, a former police reporter and the author of Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets, the non-fiction book that formed the basis for the television series Homicide: Life on the Street. Drawing from both his book and the life experiences of writing partner/former homicide detective Ed Burns, he was able to give the show a distinct tone of realism, rather than the often outrageous and unreal tone of most modern shows.

Being created for a subscription based channel, HBO, The Wire contains more adult oriented content than similar free to air shows. Violence is more direct and brutal, but not to the point of exaggeration, language is quite profane and the use of esoteric slang is quite frequent (especially in the case of African-American characters). But all this just adds to the realism, people do have foul mouths, and gangsters do tend to talk like gangsters, no matter where in the world you are.

The Wire is full to the brim with diverse and interesting characters. The use of relatively unknown character actors was a very wise choice, as they seem effortlessly natural in the roles that they play. English actor Dominic West will have you believing that he was born and raised on the streets of Baltimore as Jimmy McNulty, an Irish American (alcoholic) detective with an authority problem, much like Hugh Laurie fooled director Bryan Singer with his faux-American accent for his audition for House, MD. The Wire’s most interesting character however, is Omar, who is almost the series’ equivalent of a Robin Hood, only sticking up the criminals who are involved in Baltimore’s drug trade, and often using the gains from these crimes to help innocent citizens of the city. Many of the actors who have worked on The Wire have now found themselves making their way into the more mainstream shows, with two already having found small roles in NBC’s Heroes this year. West will be appearing as the lead villain in the film Punisher: War Zone in 2009.

The ever increasing popularity of DVD Box-sets has only aided the popularity of The Wire. Because of its novelistic structure, ad breaks, and week-long gaps between episodes breaks the level of viewer immersion somewhat. This is where the season box-set comes in very handy; giving the viewer the ability to sit and watch an entire season at their own leisure, much like a book, in this case each episode could represent a single chapter. But this also presents a problem- well it did for me anyway. After watching the entire first season in a couple of days, I took it upon myself to begin watching the second season. I found myself in what could be described as ‘Wire Overload’, where I longed for a slightly ridiculous storyline, and characters that were a bit unreal. It is not that I didn’t find it compelling, I’d just had enough for the time being. I took a break, and have yet to return for more so far. It has also become known to me that the second season, is possibly the weakest of the five, which does not help my anticipation.

Would I recommend this show to people? In a word, absolutely. Its delicious and fun and intriguing, but its not for everyone, I watched the first episode with Briony, who didn’t really like it at all. But if you can give it your undivided attention and are prepared for a cop show that is definitely not run-of-the-mill, then you will certainly be in for a wondrous experience.

I see London, I see France [Now with working Photos!]

thewolfman — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 13:49:45 +0000

Je’taime Paris!

So last week I headed on a wee adventure, left Chris at home to work, girls weekend/few days exploration in Paris

Had the most wonderful time. Weekend started off in London. I know i have only recently been to London but i absolutely love London. Spent some time at Camden Markets. Everytime I waeve my way in and out of the stalls I manage to find something new. Had dinner from the market, tasted delicious I didnt even mind if it was cat, squirrel or rat. Headed to Harrods. OMG! How i wish i was uber rich so I could have bought everything I wanted. One day. Picadilly Circus had all their Chrismas lights out. Not tacky at all. They were beautiful. Spent the evening in a backpackers near Kings Cross. An interesting experience to say the least.

Now we head through customs at St Pancras International and I got a new stamp in my passport. Headed to Paris on the Eurostar. Brill. Would definately recommend fast trains. No waiting in the airport for 2 and a half hours which was fab. Had a woman in our carriage that proceeded to have a cellphone conversation with whomever was picking her up in Paris, we couldny figure if it was amle of female on the other end of the phone. We heard all about her sex life. Not only were Dawn and I cracking up but everyone else in the carriage too. We put our clocks forward an hour as we were now out of the chunnela nd in France. Arrived, bought our 10 pack ‘carnet’ of metro tickets, off to drop our luggage at backpackers. Mmmm backpackers. I remember why I dislike them but that didnt detract from the superb time I had.

First outing we decided was to the Lourve. Got off the metro, BAM, Eiffel Tower, Concorde, Arc de Triompe, Louvre. I couldnt have asked for a better first image of Paris. headed straight to the Louvre, stopping on the way to get a waffle with chocolate sauce aka melted nutella. So tasty. The Louvre was amazing. Even if you are like me and arent an avid art follower you will still fall in love. We probably walked at least 10kms while in the Louvre. Beautiful works. We got lost more than a few times.

We could see the Eiffel Tower from the Louvre so we thought it would be a good idea to walk along the Seine River. Little did we know its actually quite a hike. But it was worth it! It was still light when we arrived to see the Eiffel in all its glory. The lights came on just as we were arriving, blue with yellow stars in the circle just like the the European Union flag. Lots of beggers around the tower. A Bosnian woman came up to Dawn asking of she spoke English. I just ignored her but Dawn read the note she gave her, asking for money of course. No f’n way am i giving people like that money.

Day 2. Headed out early in the am after a crap nights sleep in the backpackers. Walked back to the Eiffel Tower. Not far at all from the backpackers. Lined up just as they were opening ticket booths. Cable car to second floor then onto the lift to the 3rd floor before the crowds hit. Beautiful views. Paris seemed to go on forever. Could see all the sights we wanted to head to. Third floor is all enclosed as you can imagine. Auckalnd is only 18500kms from Paris. Thought it would be a good idea to head to the outer caged deck with no windows to stop the wind. My goodness. It was like a windtunnel in Antarctica. Freezing but fab. Back to level 2. Completely different view but just as fabulous. We walked the stairs from the 1st floor back to the ground. Would not like to walk the stairs up. though my buns and thighs would probably look fab after. I enjoyed paying an extra €3 to catch the cable car.

Had brekkie at a really weird place. Was sh*t but meh.

Arc de Triomphe is amazing. Its like the centre of a huge roundabout with a million roads coming off and the fact that the roundabout is 6 lanes wide. Walked down the Champ Elysees as we headed to Musee D’Orsay to see Van Gogh, Monet and Picasso. Little did we know that Musee D’Orsay is closed on Mondays. Joy. Not to worry we werent left with nothing to do. Notre Dame is tremendous. It is beautiful on th outside and inside. The Gargoyles arent as large and/or scary as I had imagined as a child. The stained glass windows are massive, bright and gloriously beautiful. We didnt head up the bell tower. Next time.

We wandered the streets of St Germain. We wandered in and out of the shops and before long we were miles from anyway at Montparnasse. It was starting to get dark so we jumped on the Metro and headed to Montmarte. I was sad that the windmill at Moulin Rouge had scaffolding around it. Next time i head to Paris i am definately heading to a show at Moulin Rouge. There were about a billion sex shops, erotic supermarkets, peepshows along the road. We knew that Sacre Coeur was up a hill and within walking distance so we headed up the hill in search. Half an hour and 500 steps had passed and we walked around the corner and saw the bell tower of Sacre Coeur. The light was brilliant. The building was lit up beautifully and the sky was black. Sacre Coeur is the highest point in Paris so we looked over Paris in the dark. I attepmted to take some piccies but the wind and spiiting became an issue. I needed Chris to help me but alas he wasnt even in the same time zone.

Last day in Paris and we knew for sure that Musee D’Orsay was open. D’Orsay is no way near as grand as the Louvre but it grew on me once we found the impressionist floor. Main exhibition was Picasso. Was rather overrated. Wasnt his best work. Found Van Gogh. Works werent as big as i was expecting. Even smaller than the Mona Lisa. Monets pieces were amazing. I hearted them. Seeing them in books and ont eh internet just doesnt do them justice. After Monet I found Whistlers Mother. I stood in front of it cracking up. I know you are meant to be quiet in a museum but all i could think about was when Mr Bean drew a moustache on Whistlers Mother in a movie. The Musee D’Orsay just became uber cool.

Time to leave Paris. Je’taime Paris. Will definately be back. Might take Chris with me next time )

For photos of my adventure CLICK HERE

Star Wars and the female humanoid.

thewolfman — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:21:00 +0000

I discovered something horrifying a little while back. My darling girlfriend/life partner/symbiote, as nice as she is, had not seen any of the six Star Wars films, ever. Had I been eating at the time of this revelation, I would most likely have choked on my food and died.

So I undertook a most holy and righteous crusade: To get copies of all six films, and ‘encourage’ her to watch them. I am certain that everyone reading this will be in complete agreement with my choice. The second decision I was faced with was in which order to show them to her. I’m not sure if I was being selfish, or clever by making the decision to watch them in episodic order (ie. I – VI) and not chronological (IV – VI, I – III). I think mostly to get the shit films out of the way first, and to try to keep things simple for my young apprentice.

Over the course of a couple or three weekends, mostly where I didnt have to work, we worked our way through all six films. Here are some highlights from before, during and after the films:

Referring to the film as “retarded”. Guess which one it was! You have one attempt!
Sleeping and/or dozing, possibly at important/incredible scenes.
Questioning why George Lucas didnt cast someone attractive as Luke Skywalker.
Asking when Darth Vader was going to say ‘Luke, I am your father’ repeatedly.
Cringing every time Luke and Leia do anything remotely intimate before they discover they are siblings.
Unsurprisingly, being annoyed/disgusted at Jar Jar Binks.
Enjoying the presence of the Ewoks, recollecting Ewok oriented media from childhood.
Expression of overall relief at completion of final episode in the series.

So, as you can see, it wasn’t a terrible success. What is it exactly that women don’t find exciting about Star Wars? Sabers made of light? Epic space battles? Perhaps its the lack of romantic dialog… Or actual emotional dialogue. All you need to do is look at the scenes between Anakin and Padme during Attack of the Clones. Terrible, wooden stuff. I’m not sure how the female brain works, and given that my girlfriend is almost 100% normal, it is safe to assume that the girls who do like Star Wars have something seriously wrong with them.

I’m kidding.

One thing I did not show her however, was the recent Clone Wars film that hit cinemas a little while ago. Because I watched it myself the other day, and its a steaming pile of shit. Genndy Tartakovsky’s animated Clone Wars series from five years ago showed more soul in a single ten-minute episode than this travesty did in its entire ninety minutes.

I’m proud of Briony for having the patience and tolerance to subject herself to twelve hours or more of Star Wars. I have promised her that I will watch six films of her choice. I live in constant fear, but at least I already got Sex and The City out of the way.

Manuelgate: 2008’s biggest crock of shit.

thewolfman — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 11:51:49 +0000

You may have seen or read about this, where a couple of radio journalists (Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross) called the house of Andrew Sachs (Manuel from Fawlty Towers) and left ‘rude’ messages pertaining to Brand’s sexual escapades with Sachs’ granddaughter. My serious and important opinion follows:

FACT: There were messages that included the phrase “he fucked your granddaughter.”

FACT: Initially, the BBC only received about two complaints about the broadcast, it was only after it was blown out of proportion by the tabloid media that the BBC received 30000 complaints. From people who hadn’t even heard the broadcast.

FACT: Sachs’ granddaughter, Georgina Baillie did have sex with Russell Brand.

FACT: Baillie is a known topless model, and exotic dancer. Also performs with a group called the ‘Satanic Sluts’

FACT: Baillie called for the sacking of both Brand and Ross, but upon hearing of Brand’s resignation, accused him of ‘being unable to take the heat like a man’.

FACT: Britain is retarded, and obviously under the control of tabloid newspapers who dictate their every move and thought.

FACT: Someone really needs to shoot Kerry Katona, her husband, and put the rest of their families into mental care.

QUESTION: Why the fuck is the fucking Prime Minister getting involved in this clusterfuck of epic proportions? Surely there are more important things to do?

FACT: I saw Ross’ television show a couple of weeks ago, it was pretty funny. Gordon Ramsay cooked him eggs, with white truffle grated over top. Need I say more?

FACT: Despite having a silly haircut, Russell Brand has a pretty sweet beard.

Happy/Sad

thewolfman — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:11:52 +0000

This week!

Movember. It’s almost that time of year again, my face gets to have clean parts on it. It shall feel refreshing.

My Hero.

The Black Seeds. Going to see them on friday, funny that we have never seen them live in our own country, had to travel 12000 miles to sort our shit out. And me without a ‘We’re Cousins’ t-shirt.

New Bloc Party album. After a little ‘persuasion’ and listening to the retail release, I think I like it.

Six Feet Under. Final season! Its still incredible!

3 dvds for £20 at HMV. It sounds like 3 for $50 to you, but in reality, it would probably cost $120 for the equivalent. I’m having trouble resisting the temptation.

Watchmen. You should probably read it before the hype machine really starts up. Then at least you will know what the hell its about. Trailer.

Control. The Ian Curtis biopic that I finally got around to watching. Awesome, wonderfully shot, and all in Black and White.

Sanuk Sidewalk Surfers. People still think they are slippers. I got a new pair and they still win.

Retarded customers. For instance, the woman with three teeth who had me spend about ten minutes searching our systems for a Princess Diana video, only to be told that we didnt have it, and then go to another of my colleagues and get him to search for it as well. How does this person exist? Or the person who asked me for a copy of Tomb Raider 2. Or the person who kept asking for the ‘Bionic Man’ TV series. I asked if he meant the six million dollar man, he said no. I was later proved to be correct.

Teeth. I dont understand this country. I’ve seen mummified remains with whiter teeth.

Cold weather. It’s obvious really, my extremities are feeling numb, and other parts are being withdrawn to conserve warmth. Horrible fact that I must come to terms with: It’s going to get worse, much worse.

Retarded Traffic. Over 9000 people wanting to park in the shopping centre at the same time, causing a traffic jam and ruining the buses. Me waiting almost an hour at the bus stop before deciding to walk home. I hope those idiots got trapped in the mall/died/children got eaten.

Things getting lost in the mail. Enough said.

Electro/Pop. It’s just a phase. Some of these bands need to die in a fire.